whoa...

i can still feel the spirit of the fuckin' brandy burning up inside of me. we had a drinking session last night and i got wasted badly. i end up sleeping with someone on the sofa [hmmm... something fishy huh...].

we started drinking around 12 midnight [note: there would be an exam the coming day]. i lost track of the time. then, the brandy took control the whole of me. then i slept. when i woke up, i saw this girl sleeping on my lap and we were holding each others hand. damn! at first, i smiled then, the thought that this girl has a bf just came to my mind! damn! that was the only word that i have uttered.

whoa! that fuckin brandy almost ruined a relationship [i guess]! we might have end up flirting that night. at least only flirting. we could have had end up beyond it [hope not]. now, i couldn't help but to avoid her whenever she is around. y? she knows that i have a huge crush on her and what i have done was really embarassing.

lesson learned.

REPLACING COMPLACENCY
By Dr. John C. Maxwell

One of the biggest temptations leaders of successful
organizations face is to stop thinking big. After a
taste of success, even the best and brightest leaders
suddenly start to think complacently. When a company
gets on a roll, some leaders tighten up and start
playing it safe. They stop playing to win and begin
playing not to lose. Where they once thought big and
new, now they think incrementally.

This temptation is a reality with a lot of sports
teams. How many times have we seen teams lose their
momentum and then lose the game because instead of
playing to win, they began to play not to lose? They
get ahead, but then they pull back and stop playing
with the intensity that earned them the lead.

The same temptation traps company executives. With the
organization exceeding expectations and making record
profits, the leadership gets excited. The organization
appears to be cruising toward its best year ever, when
all of a sudden the focus shifts from gaining momentum
to sustaining momentum. The moment leadership changes
focus, momentum vanishes.

I like to think of momentum as the great exaggerator.
When you have it, people think you're better than you
are. You're on a roll and everybody is amazed by your
success. When you lose momentum, people think you're
worse than you are. Momentum magnifies your
performance, and positive momentum can be a potent
force to push you forward.

When things are on a roll, don't sit on the ball—run
up the score! In other words, when you've got momentum
going for you, put the pedal to the metal. Take off.
Ignite momentum. As I wrote in "Thinking for a
Change", "We are today where our thoughts brought us,
and we will be tomorrow where our thoughts take us."
When we stop thinking big as leaders and dwell upon
protecting past successes, we start to think
conservatively. The big thoughts that gave us a big
year are replaced by conservative thoughts which will
give us a mediocre year.

Let me give you four strategies that will keep your
momentum moving in the right direction.

1. When you're doing well, go shopping.
When you're doing well, instead of patting yourself
on the back, go shopping. Look around for somebody
that's bigger, better, faster, and smarter than you
are. Study their successes and benchmark your results
against theirs. I did this as a young leader, because
very quickly in my field I had successes. Instead of
being content as the number one leader in my
organization, I started going to other organizations
where I wouldn't be in the top 100. It was an exercise
in humility; but I immediately realized the way to
refocus wasn't to compare myself against everyone I
was beating, but to compare myself with somebody
better than I was.

2. Stir up inspirational dissatisfaction.
Inspirational dissatisfaction does not mean you are
never pleased or satisfied. Nor is it a license to
beat yourself up or come down hard on your people.
Instead, it's a creative awareness that you can do
better. You can do more to improve personally and to
invest exhaustively in the growth of your team. This
state of mind unlocks your comfort zone and prompts
you to keep on stretching.

3. Develop a daily dose of paranoia.
There's a difference between a daily dose and an
overdose of paranoia. An overdose makes you and
everyone around you miserable. A daily dose is an
inner rustling—a pebble in the shoe—that creates just
enough discomfort to keep you continually alert and
engaged. In fact, the best leaders act as though
someone is out to get them, like they're on the verge
of losing every customer every day.

4. Continue to set goals that stretch your team.
If you can reach your goals with a "business as
usual" approach, then your goals are too small. A goal
is only effective when it forces changes, big
decisions, and bold action.

The thinking of a leader is contagious to the team. As
a leader, you broadcast your way of thinking to your
people, and they are going to pick up on your signals
immediately. Unsuccessful leaders focus their thinking
on survival—"If I can just make it through the year."
Average leaders focus their thinking on
maintenance—"If I can just hold on to what I have."
Successful leaders focus their thinking on continual
progress.

If you're a manager who concentrates more on holding
your own than on moving forward, then it's time to
seize the offensive. Don't settle for what conditions
force upon you. As Marcus Buckingham says, "The only
thing that leaders have in common is leaders break all
the rules." Great leaders don't just buy into what
everybody else is saying, and they don't follow the
beaten path. Great leaders are constantly creating
their own conditions for success by blazing new
trails.

Ad Majorem Adonai Gloriam - "To the Greater Glory of God"

one night...
i was sitting alone outside the apartment.
i was staring at the glaring emerald light of the moon.

there were no stars.
only the moon and some thin clouds slowly creeping,
blocking it but failed to block the light from penetrating
and thus the sky never darken.

i was holding my phone then. txting.
then i looked at her again,
she never failed to lighten up my face.
i could feel her light pressing down my skin.
it was warm...

then i smiled at her.
'you cant cover your tears with a faint smile...'
a voice told me from nowhere.
the voice was right...
i was crying inside.
i was just trying to hide it.
'cmon! cheer up! any probs..?
maybe i can help...'
the voice told me.

[SIGH] yea... i replied with a big sigh...
then, i looked at her again.
it was her who was talking to me.
'what's with the big sigh?
and why such a long face?'
she asked.


'i'm always like this! i have never changed.
i am afraid to fall any further so i stopped it
but i am suffering right now!'
i uttered.

'hmmm... now i know...
you are just afraid to get hurt again dont you?
you know what... there is no such thing as perfect
relationship. couples do fight. there are problems
you have to face. you just have to be strong enough,
'cause these things, though they sometimes 'cuase
lonely endings, help you strengthen your relationship.
these things makes your journey more colorful and
more meaningful.

obstacles. hurdles. problems.
they are annoying but we have to face that they
help make relationships sronger and better.
if you have these things right now,
after getting thru them, you'll appreciate life
like you have never appreciate it before.
TRUST me! OK? everything will turn out just fine.
take off that long face! just enjoy life...'

she preached.

then, she smiled at me.
i smiled back to her.
somehow, she is right...
i must enjoy life...

then, shadows just blanketed the streets.
they were screaming... DOTA!

'DOTA tayo!'
'ency, DOTA! isang game lang!'


then, my phone rang.
it was 10:54pm and i got one message.

'buti ka pa kinakausap niya...
ako hindi. lagi na lang daw kasi akong ganito...'

it has been hell for me these past few days..

i mean, things just dont go my way...
will i be be able to cope with all of these..?

first, im a having a problem with my fraternity.. they [my brods] just cant understand why i cant attend our GA's. they keep on telling me that the only valid reason for not attending GA's is death. they just cant undertand my situation. i mean, how can i ever attend our GA's if almost every week im having tons of exams and other school works. one more thing is that they keep on threatening me [but of course im not threatened]to face several DA's [disciplinary actions] which is in any way not a help in convincing me to attend. they seem to be enjoying themselves making me and the other brods feel that we are not doing anything for the fraternity already and that we are irresponsible. partly, maybe they are right for we were not forced to join the frat but that doesnt give them the right to threaten us almost everytime we see each other, like yesterday when i was walking my way to take an exam, i saw one of them and shouted "DA". damn thing! that wasnt nice already. why not face me and tell me that im no longer affiliated with the frat. damn!

then, here comes the hell week. im restless doing some school works. i will be having a lot of exams this coming days. i can feel my bags getting heavier already. the thing is, i havent reviewed anything yet because of the pc game called "DOTA". im no robot or any geeks doing only school, im also a normal, typical and deliquent teen. im just having fun but i guess i have exceeded. whoa! dont know what to do with these exams. hope i wont fail any of them. im scared.

hay... im getting tired with these problems. i have already lost my concept on smiling and laughing. my muscles on my face are not working already. hope one of these days, they just vanish like bubbles in the air.

whenever im feeling like this, i tend to be alone. i dont like others helping me to get myself out of these probs maybe because im used to be like this. i dont like to ask help. why? im always thinking that its not only me who worries. there are also lots of people whom i dont know who are suffering and facing even harder [problems] than mine. i just dont want to add more worries and burden by asking someone to help me, unless it is already beyond my capabilities.

this attitude of mine makes me mysterious sometimes [well, that is what they say]. the feeling of it knowing that they are there to help you though without asking them is really great. i do appreciate it. i know i can get over with these. piece of cake. it'll only take an hour of soundtripping just to relax myself.

damn!

will it be like this forever..?

the feeling was never like this...
not until i found myself falling deeply for her...

ahh...
thought i'm numb to the feeling already...
have i just deprived myself into it..?

damn! damn life!
i never plan this to happen...
it just happen and still happening right now...
i was just fascinated with her at first...
the company... the attitude... all the things about her...

then...
the eyes... they are bright...
there is a different spark...
the lips... whoa! bloody red...

hay...
then... i realize that it is already late...
damn...
why does it have to be this way..?
we dated for about two months,
then she became mine [though i felt nothing for her at first]...
NOW?!? she is stil mine...
dont know what to do now...
dont like the feeling...
im losing my sanity...
damn! [sigh]

i've been taking things too serious this past days..
don't know why.. seems like i'm not who i am ryt now..
my friends told me that i've been acting weird..
have i lost my sanity already..?



maybe this is what being stressed out is all about..
i've been very busy lately..
my bags are growing because of consecutive sleepless nights..
hay.. maybe i'm just thinking too much about life..
this damn life..



sometimes life is so unfair..
you cant just do things the way you want them to..
hay.. im feeling death embracing me ryt now..
is this the only way to escape this tormented soul of mine..?